How to survive mother’s day with a difficult Mom
The weather is warm. Looking out of the window you see flowers and trees in full bloom.
You have a sensation of peace inside of you. Such serenity.
The phone rings; it’s mother’s day and your Mom is on the line. The conversation starts off very sweet and pleasant. Then come the questions … first come the general searching ones: what did you do last night? how was your week? what are your plans for the weekend? ….
then the more specific questions: did you plant the flowers you bought last month? did you get your hair done? are you done with the book you borrowed? ….
The questions and inquiries although very conversational and acceptable if you had your best friend at the other end of the line, somehow do not sound the same coming from your mother.
What is it that trips you up? Your mother seems to be the only one that affects you in this way.
That is what I hear a lot of my clients say and it makes me wonder why? The same question asked by your best friend of “how was your week” would break into hours of give and take and a pleasant conversation. Yet when your mom asks “how was your week” it pushes some buttons.
So I asked “why” to those who complained about their mom and some answers were:
she is nosey
she interferes in my life
she has no boundaries
she is trying to point out my boring life
she is reminding me of things I need to do
she is judging me
I feel obligated to be nice to her.
After a long negative description of their moms, most agreed that she doesn’t mean it, does not intened to be mean or insensitive, that’s how she is. Most ended on a note of agreeing that they are very similar to their moms and tend to do things like her. What I also heard is: I’m starting to look or sound like my Mom!
Mother’s day is approaching and this is a time when a lot of buttons are being pushed. From mothers who have a lot of expectations from their kids on what to look forward to and a lot of anxiety building from the children who feel what can I do to make Mom happy or accepting of me or proud of me.
Let us all step back and take a deep, deep breath, and exhale.
It is all good at the end. Life goes on.
Some tips to help you through this:
- Your mom has or had a mom too. She is just copying that pattern of behavior.
- The buttons are yours, remove them.
- Manage your expectations and envision a calm and pleasant time together.
- Communicate with your mom. Let her know what works for you.
- Do some forgiveness.
- Start a new chapter with the relationship.
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